Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
Did you pee in the oven last night??
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
I had to cum in my sink.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
