He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
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