six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
Man, jail baloney is awful.
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize
