Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Randomize
