Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
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