yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
how bad is she
captain morgan with tits
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
Randomize
