I wish you could order shots online.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
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