Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
yeah well you didnt even puke from the alcohol. we cut you off and went to huck finn's and told you that the "irish cream" coffee creamers had baileys in it, so you shot down like eight of them and puked all over the floor. it was great. we cheered you on and everything
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
Randomize
