He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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