I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
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