she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
Randomize
