she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
Randomize
