Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
Randomize
