Its about making memories worth repressing
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
Randomize
