So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
Even the bartender felt bad for me
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
