FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
Semi hypothetical question. Do you think its physically possible to bruise your clit?
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Randomize
