he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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