I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
Randomize
