Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
Randomize
