You made me cry and you don't even care
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Randomize
