Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Randomize
