Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
me + whiskey = a bad person
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
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