youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Randomize
