There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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