Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
