This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
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