I want to see a picture of the girl worth ruining our relationship for
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
Sorry my hands just texted you
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
Randomize
