Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
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