I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
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