My boss' voice literally gives me gas
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
Randomize
