my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Randomize
