Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Randomize
