3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
Randomize
