If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
Randomize
