I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
Randomize
