I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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