i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
Randomize
