I am midnight drunk by noon
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
