just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
Randomize
