It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
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