I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
i just made a list of the people i have slept with. is it bad that some of them are just either names of the places i met them or the color of the shirts?
i also rounded the number up for good measure. i am sure there are a few i have forgotten about.
Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
I'm just crazy horny about you
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
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