pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
There's even glitter on my cock...
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
Randomize
