Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Randomize
