i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
Randomize
