you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize
