YOu come back ASAP and we will do whatever you want baby
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Randomize
