I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
Randomize
