I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Randomize
