After last night I still want u
But please keep that on the DL
He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
Randomize
