and you said cock pushups were impossible
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Randomize
